Bedtime Sadness

​As I lie in my bed, all I could think of us what i went through… I came from being loved behind closed doors. Being made to feel like I’m not enough. Like I am not worthy of the world to see. 

I come from being told in ugly, I’m just a guy with nothing special to offer. I started believing that and it affected me.
I have been in relationships where I could even get my partner not to cheat cos I knew I already have my all and it would hurt. And that partner hurt me so much, it changed my life for good.
Been in few days relationships because all those who claim to love me And will never leave me, who claim to understand me and get me, can’t even last a month. They don’t love me enough to get to know me. They never love me enough to understand some things I have no control over. 

A broken heart is what I’m used to. Having to move on doesn’t hurt no more cos I know what happened in the previous will hapoen in the next one. I move on and act like I’m fine, while hiding a build up of plan, regrets, feeling of being insecure, not being enough and being used to such an extent that the word “love” doesn’t excite me like it did before. For it to excite me, I need someone to show me love and hold on when I’m on my lowest. 

It’s life. We all learn after all… 😔
#love #story

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Trapped Heart

I find myself in a situation where I can leave and do what I think is best for me and my heart, but my heart is not in agreement. I find myself falling for someone I know will eventually hurt me and leave me, just like the rest. I do want to protect myself from the heartbreak, believe me. But I tend to love all the bad ones more. My heart always manages tyop convince my brain otherwise.

Hvae you been hurt so much you do not care anymore? Like, you do not care if they rape you, cheat on you, use you or do you bad because all those who loved you and claimed to love you did that already? You end up giving yourself to anyone that wantsd you. You end up looking for something to fill that void. Something to make you feel different but nothing does. Instead, it all just reopens all your old wounds.

No one cares, no one does. They all see a sex object they can use and get rid of. They see a pretty face they can puit tears on. Some act like tyhey different but they all here for the same intention. But your heart wont make peace of it not deserving love. It keeps driving you to al;l those who hurt you. It drives you straight to pain. vYou heart becomes your worst enemy and those who love to love you, hurt you the most…13725119_965440456907404_1194529507907159225_o

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The Pain Lives

Remember the times when life was nothing but a bliss/ When you could smile and mean it, laugh and enjoy it and go on days without a frown? The days when all that mattered was your happiness and you trusted everyone around you because you never tasted betrayal and disappointment? The days when all it took was saying “I LOVE U” for you to have that tickly, fuzzy feeling? I miss those days.

It is sad to know you opened up your heart to love. You were not innocent but loving, trusting, committed, loyal and all that a good lover can have. Then you meet that one person who made you feel so special, you could walk on clouds. You opened not only your heart but world and soul to them. You were sure you have met the one because your lover always had the right thing to say. Lover always made you smile and laugh. Lover made you feel special and you got used to the feeling.

Once you got used to the feeling, your lover starts putting other things and people before you. You start fighting for your space in lover’s life. You start looking for attention because you not getting the treatment you were used to. Lover starts pulling back and you fight so hard to pull him back to your heart. Lover lets loose and comes back to you, with divided attention. You appreciate what you got so you give yourself  more than before.You think that will keep him focused on you but lover is changing you and killing you but you do not see because love is telling you to fight stronger.

Lover starts sharing special moments with friends and you never part of them. You feel lonely and not loved. You go to lover, to spend time with lover but lover sees you vulnerable,  lover takes advantage of you. You cry and all but then you say its love. You put it past and forgive. Few weeks pass, you find out lover cheated on you, you get hurt, mad and fight. You say things you shouldnt have said out of anger. Again, you forgive because you love your lover.

You then have trust issues and start being protective. Lover dumps you, blames the “incident” on you and cheating on you. You left all alone with a broken heart and damaged life. You try to move on and only then do you realise ex lover ruined you. You punishing others for his mistakes. You do not trust nor love like before. You now consumer so much just to feel normal but inside, you are a dead zombie with a bleeding heart. And what about ex lover? Ex lover is happy with someone. You on the other hand hate your existance, trust no one, ruin all relationships you get and left with mental disorders…

And the pain? No amount of alcohol can kill it, no shrink can erase it and as much as you try to move on, you find people who always take you back to the pain… You live for pain, you are pain and you still live.

The pain lives!

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Did It Again

After months of shutting people out and trying to understand me. Trying to figure out what is it that I want, that I am and th a I believe I should be. I spent time with myself. So much time, I forgot how is it like to be with someone else. That’s not by choice but circumstances.

You see, unless other people, I dnt get love easily. To get love I have to hurt. I have to belittle myself, compromise and even sacrifice my life. And by getting love I dnt mean being loved but just being given attention. I don’t know how it feels like to be loved by someone other than my mom and bro.

That led me to giving up on love and trust me I did. Unless this one person came into my life. This person became all I wanted in a lover. Looks and brains and all that ish. I thought we on the same boat. I let go of my guard and opened my heart, after hiding it for so long. I fell for this person so hard but only to find out I’m the only one in love and not loved back.

I’m back to where I was before. Hurt, vulnerable, stupid and outplayed. Guess I’ll never be loved. Which is understanble. Who would love me? I just appear as a bone for people to eat .


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Physical Relapse

It has been a while since I last posted in this blog of mine. I guess it is because I have been going through so much that I even forgot some of my responsibilities. Any way, the title of this post is basically about me being tired. I am just tired of everything and anything that breathes and lives.

I am tired of looking for love. Trying to reach out to strangers, to smile when they look at you and return that flirty look just to show them I am available. It is like they just look at me then think, “What is he doing?”. I hate being led on then left to find my way back on my own. I am tired of people making me fall for them but they never there to catch me. That is just cruelty. I am also tired of being misunderstood. I feel like people always want to know about my past and bad side more than the good side. I feel like no one is willing to love me. Not because I am unlovable but simply because God didn’t see me worthy of real love. It is like I am poisonous. I never attract people who want to love me whole heartedly. It is not fair because everyone is finding love and happiness but not me.

I am tired of holding on to broken friendships. I am tired of reminding the people who are supposed to be friends that they promised to always be there for me and never will they ever let me face anything on my own. Every time I need them, that is when I realise or get to see that I am not really my friends’ friend. They have their friends and I am only a person they know. That sucks but it is life. Some friends only know me when they want something. Other than that, I am just nothing to them.

I am tired of fighting. I am tired of always having to fight and suffer to be strong. I am tired of being racially excluded and most of all, I am tired of myself and my life…10406462_562854250499362_2324922736137712684_n

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The Gay World In Jeopardy

Saw A Post About LGBT Community Fighting Against Teen Suicide And I Would Like To Know This:

How is it gonna help of most teens are being raped and older guys who should protect, guide and protect them tell them it’s their fault? How should they feel? Cos they will blame themselves and end up killing themselves.

Rape is rape for God sake. How u scream doesn’t matter. And Kissing and cuddling is not a sign of wanting sex. If everything is sexual with u guys then u know nothing about love. All u know is dick, ass and lust. And that’s pure sad and pathetic.

If a teen is young and fragile, old men again shower them with gifts and shit just to fuck them and dump them. How will the teen feel? Proud of himself and what he is becoming? Will the teen embrace ut or feel used and cheap and probably depressed? Then u old men again run around telling your experienced friend like u how u fucked those kids and shit. That’s real fucked up.

Truth is: God destroyed Sodom cos majority of gay people are selfish, ignorant and immoral. And if it would happen again, it would be for the best.

Many souls are being lost because of sick individuals who infect the young, depress and destroy them emotionally and ditch them like dipers. So, I highly doubt the gay community will ever be safe, loving and good for all. It is filled with animosity and lust.


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What Friends Really Are

Its been a while since I last blogged and I am sorry but I am back and have a lot to say. Let’s start with my friends.

God knows I have never been lucky with friends, especially male friends. I last had good male friends in primary school. I last had the feeling of brotherhood then, thanks to Sandile Mahlangu who became a brother and Simphiwe Kunene. Sadly, life goes on. We had to choose different routes and then that is when it all started. My journey to friends discovery…

Have you ever been a friend to someone else’s friend? Called someone else’s best friend your own best friend? Without realising that they actually not your friends but with you because there is something they wanna achieve or gain or get from you. Nothing is so sad like that. But it gets more sad when you meet people who lie to you, call you friend and claim to love you so much but when they have to prove it, they never there. They are only friends with you on their own time and terms. That is so sad. Especially when you go through things you should be going through with them all alone and have no one.  Its sad when they claim to care soo much about you but never care enough to know what is happening in your life. They can go weeks without seeing or hearing from you but when they suddenly need something or feel like they actually need you as a friend, they come back to your life like nothing happened.

Okay, enough with that. Friends should know you better than nobody else. Friends should see thev pain behind your voice when you say you okay, knowing very well you not. Friends should make sure you happy and they happy when you happy. Friends should be there for you. If not physically, emotionally and spiritually. They should make you feel loved, important, needed and special.

It sucks when they make other friends feel like that but fail to do that with you, while claiming to be your friends. That is just wrong and fucked up.With friends, thats where you should feel safe and protected, you should be free to be you without judgement. And in each and every friendship, you should happy. You should be the first priority. Remember bbaes come and go but friends remain. If you fail to do so, you will end up on your own.

I met lots of people claiming to be friends in Johannesburg. Some just disappeared and some left because they couldnt handle the pretence. But you meet that one friend who stands by you no matter what (Moipone). Friend you fight with, sometimes resent, do all the crazy stuff with but always know she cares.

Then there is that one crazy and loving friend you will grow old with (Xoli) who doesnt let distance separate you but always remind you how special and loved you are.

As for me having a best friend, I dont wanna lie, I dont have any. To me a  best friend is someone who doesnt go by a day checking up on you, someone who shares everything with you, someone who can sacrifice all for you, someone who doesnt let no one get in your friendship, someone who keeps you first and only has you as a friend. Hopefully God will bless me with one.

Anywhere, thats how friends should be. And remember some friends are not just friends, some become family, and some become a part of you (all the mentioned above).

Sandile Mahlangu himself...

Sandile Mahlangu himself…




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