Settling For Pain

Ever lost faith in yourself and lost yourself love to a point that you just accept all? You accept that you just a bump in their path that they hurt and drive past. You accept that they all in your life to get what they want then ditch you like a worn out jersey. You are nothing more than a pretty face and a nice body they will fuck and disappear on.

They all come to your life promising you lillies and roses. They make you feel so fucken speci that you don’t even see when they slowly sucking your life from you. Once they done, they live you lifeless with a body you used to call your own.

You keep going back to them unknowingly because you been so hurt that you attract pain more than love. You so damahed that they see a scrap they can clean, treasure then realise they have no use of and dump it again for someone else to pick up and do the same to it.

Not all of us were born for love. Some of us live through pain, darkness and suffering. Happiness is a mystery and love is a feeling we cursed to have because once we feel it, tormentation comes into play.


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Happen To Me

Life is one unpredictable ying-yang. One minute, you are on top of the world and every one envies you. You all happy and glowing. The world s your oyster. You living large and with a smile day in and day out. All makes sense and love is just a smooth walk in the park. You start getting used to the feeling of happiness. You do not even believe in is happening to you. It is all good and unusual. You are happy, all of a sudden. After a lifetime of sadness and pain.

Then you let loose, you open up your soul to this new feeling. You let all in and hope for the best. You in a blissful moment and cannot get enough of how you feeling. You show it to the world. It is too much for you to not share. The world must see you finally happy sand finally loved. You do that, you open your life to the public thinking all will last forever. Thinking that will be the feeling you will feel for the rest of your life.

Then life happens. All that changes. That smile turns to a frown. That happiness turns to sorrow. All those peaceful nights turn to tearful, long nights. You get hurt to a point that not only does your heart gets damaged but your mind and body too. You lose yourself. You bruise your soul and you lose a sense of sanity and reality. All that you believed in and trusted upon is now the reason you cannot even sleep with a sober mind because the pain will torture you and the memories will haunt you. You get hurt to a point that you change who you really are and become who you are told to be, just to avoid being hurt again.


I never thought it will happen to me…

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#TakeWitsBack VS #FeesMustFall 

​So now theres a #TakeWitsBack trend that is not in support of #FeesMustFall. 
Look at it. Take Wits Back and it is started by white students. Remember Wits was only for white students? Now there’s a #TakeWitsBack trend on Twitter and believed it might over power #FeesMustFall .
Remember the VN that said blacks claimed that they will kill a white child? Obviously that VN will make people not support #FeesMustFall and go to #TakeWitsBack which will end up winning. Ain’t that a setup? VN came out a night before this newovement trended.
To those blacks who want to go to university and resume, they don’t need you there. They want their university and you still not supporting #FeesMustFall .
Anyway these are only my thoughts. No allegations or claims or ish. Just my observation from the whole thing.

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Pain Changed Me

In most of my posts, I’m a victim and I post about how just I was, how fucked up my childhood was and how messed up it left it. I post about the struggles I went through, the heartbreak I faced and how those who hurt me ended up leaving me. That is a norm now. You all are used to it. When you see a post from me, you expect self pity and stuff.

This post is different though. In this one, I don’t write about how I have been just but rather how I hurt one person who could even climb the mountains to show me his love. One person who has to change his whole life just to be what i wanted him to be. This person left who he was before to be who I wanted to be now.

The saddest part is that instead of helping him with his change, I never applauded him but instead I demanded more. I wanted more than what was given, not realising that it is hurting him. I never encouraged him to take his time and be himself, I pushed him to do what i wanted for me. I turned out relationship to a meship, where only Musa matters and no one else. It sucks how we draw people in, tell them out expectations and when they try to meet them, we push them away.

It is so fucken sad

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Perpetuating Victim

We always say our parts make us. They build us and strengthen. We say that make us better than we were yesterday, for that have taught us alot and will prevent us from making the same mistakes in future. We believe and live with that perspective of life. Little do we know all those encounters are changing us, and not good as we think, but to monsters we can’t even accept.

You realise that your past makes you so scared of being hurt again that you always hurt people trying to prevent yourself from doing the same mistake again. You change from being the victim to a perpetrator. And the sad part is you don’t realise that. I’m your head, you protecting yourself but in reality you doing exactly what was done to you to other innocent souls. 

That’s the sad part about life.

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Thirst For Love

It’s really heart warming to see love birds. Seeing two spirits united as one, brought together by love. Seeing how one decides to make his life someone else’s.opening up your world to someone who can either make it better or destroy it. With love and trust, they take that risk.

We all zeal for that feeling of living and being loved back. Giving yourself to someone who believes your truth more than their lies about you. Having someone who share common interest in you and actually cares about your well being and happiness. Having someone who can’t go a day without talking to you or seeing you. Someone who can drop anything they doing just to be there for you and make sure you happy.

We all want that. We want to be exclusive, loyal and happy. But not all of us will get that. As much as we all want love, not all will actually experience it.


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Accepting Fate

The hardest thing I had to do in my life was accept a part of me I wish never existed. I had to accept that I will always be judged, laughed at, made fun of, bullied and abused. I had to accept that as much as I would try to run away from it, it will catch up with me. The more you grow, the stronger it gets. The stronger it gets, the more pressured I felt to just give in, dive in and swim in this pool of life.

When you thought that was the only struggle you had, you grow up and be told you still have to accept another thing you don’t love or like, even. You are told it is in you and eventually, it will catch up with you and you will be forced to accept. You are told that the more you run away from it, the worse it gets. You love scared of living because you know that any day, you might wake up as something you were not yesterday.
I remember I wished for speciality but this was not the kind of special I wished for. This is not the life I hoped to lead and live and I was not prepared for another struggle. Life keeps giving me lemons and I don’t have the right ingeredients to make lemonade…

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